gazing out into the clear blue sky, mesmerised by white fluffy clouds when i should be payin attention in class, then turning around to those around me, wonder affixed on my face and launching into a tribute to the beauty of life; of our blessed everyday existence and how the lovely weather further accentuates that. ya. that was me. me who would say life is beautiful a few times a day, who needed no reason to smile, to be happy, to dream. me who relished in brightening others' days. me who simply basked in being alive.
i miss me.
so i've spent the past few days thinking a lot. being paranoid. worrying excessively. feeling fear. sleeplessness. random bouts of crying. trying to come to terms with the past, make succinct sense of my present and doing a reality check on my visions for the future.
people who shared their insights and experiences with me, timo. wenjia. lester. royston. fredric. xiuxian. christina. qiyue. jixian. esp sheena for those night to dawn sessions. you people've given me the much-needed fortitude to persist in my dreams. thank you all :) i saw heaven and earth anew.
"i get that too..like i have various options but i know i only have 1 life 1 shot. but ive learnt that the key is to narrow ur options, dont always leave things wide and open..life doesnt get anymore fulfilling than finding the 1 thing u wanna do and just doing it. or u cld do it 1 by 1, focus on one thing, conquer it, then move on to another... there is no finality in dreams. at least i took the time to find out and i will finally be satisfied. it wont be a waste u know why? cuz when u finally get down on ur fours and explore that option inside out, u will finally understand urself better and what u want"
im happy for you that you've forsaken that dark period. i declare the same for myself too. =) and yes. one life. to live with zeal so that before i draw my last breath, i can say i've truly lived. to dream and dare to dream big; complemented with stirring passion and substantiated by compelling commitment.
" i tink these stems from fear of failure ...and its natural to tink so, but try not to go tt direction, coz its like digging yourself into a deeper hole. i mean, u gotta snap out of it and start doing smthg positive , so u won fail urself before they fail u!"
you are right. my fears are increasingly irrational. so much so that they afflict my daily existence like parasite worms gnawing away at my insides and poison my soul with blue devils and inertia. im breaking into a run for that light at the end of the tunnel already.
" try to find a foothold. You must find strength and confidence from within. think about things that u have done and accomplished in that past. can be little things that u are proud of and feel that u can achieve and accomplish things or solve problems that come your way. then it wun be that bad. i mean its all about solving problems right? And can we all sit down and solve problems albeit our own? Yes. If we try to ignore the fear that is distracting us or try to rationalise it, realise that we are afraid only because of the fear and not because of the problem, that we are worried because of our own insecurities and not because of the problem. the problem is just there waiting for us to solve"
i've to be more level-headed and clear-minded. something im still learning everyday. i hope you wont need to counsel me ever again.
"i just read this book called boundaries in dating by henry cloud and he talked about being careful about attacting opposites cos that might just be you trying to hide your weaknesses behind the guy. healthy relationships should be something when u can develop your weakness"
on this pointer alone, our failed relationships could possibly qualify as fallacies but well, we all learn. i think we learnt well. kudos to us! ")
"there was a time when i was v.down and lost..i was at my balcony and i looked around at e'g ard me.. that was when i saw the colors, the clouds, the architecture and i realised how fortunate i was to be here w mother nature and w the pple ard me..then i understood tt watever happens, life is beautiful :) "
im determined to be the one who tells you this instead from now on, since i was the one who started you on it. =b
" why r u up at 140am thinking such thoughts? i was always concerned about what i would do. i think i still am! it's natural. I would not say i'm that successful! The only reason to be awake at 140am should be that u are having a great time with a hot guy! Take it easy!"
i was utterly amused. but i totally agree. loneliness is not appropriate company at all.
"it's time to put things behind you..not asking you to forget everything, but keep the fond memories, learn from the not-so-gd-times and safe-keep all these memories in ur heart, something to reminisce on, but never to let these hinder you from moving on. like you said, when you look back on your life, you should be able to go 'woo-hoo, what a ride!'"
yes dear. im moving on. it's a new year. and things should only get better. not stagnate or worse.
"dont be such a perfectionist. you make urself unhappy. why torture yourself when a lot of things are beyond our control? live and let live."
simple concept of life that i've failed to actualise. there is only a thin line between gusto and frivolity. just as it is for scrupulous and fastidious.
so as usual, we lament about how fast the year became another collection of memories again. 2005 really seemed to have came and gone in a jiffy. maybe it's because as we get older, we have more burdens, we get busier, we dont really have time to play and any playtime is on borrowed or stolen time. but when we were young, we yearned to grow up sooner. we couldnt wait to be able to go out without curfews. we werent content playing with barbie dolls and moved on to catwalking around the house in our mothers' heels and preening in front of the mirror trying to replicate the latest runway looks. we warned our parents not to call us by our endearing childhood nicks in public but to address us by our given names. we looked to attaining absolute freedom at 21 with great envy and impatient anticipation. but now that we are officially kids no more, we want to be our parents' boys and girls all over again. we want to be fretted over, showered with great attention, our every need and want taken care of. we want to play without having to worry about impending deadlines. we want to shriek with unadulterated merriment on the swings. we want to look at the busy busy world and think that it's an amazing trove of delightful discoveries and exhilarating experiences rather than a stress-cooker.
2005 had more downs than ups for me. but one of my wishes for 2006 is for a more selective memory whereby i only remember the good stuffs. so here's to discarding the old, the bad and the ugly. and the glasses clink!
good stuffs of course deserve mentions. im alive and kicking, have a family and fun brothers. i re-forged ties with people i've grown distant to. acquaintances blossomed into steady friendships. i dont fight with my brothers anymore, it's all harmless jibing now. and im the relationship guru to them who even helps buy presents for the gfs, im like such a helpful sister. i can rhumba now, and im definitely adding more to the list. i saw more things, learnt more things, journey into self-introspection and navigating through chaos; internal and external. i had a party with a big big key-shaped cake, he gave me mikimoto pearls, surprised with a delivered bouquet of tiger lilies which every other girl was so envious of because of its sheer size, and even my older-by-one-year brother gave me a big red packet, from which i realised how much he doted on me. also sampled the high life. the best for the last mention although this list is really not exhaustive, i think you are the best thing that happened in 05, i call you my sinful indulgence because we went through that being rational business and not getting too carried away. even though you think that "be it as an employee or as an individual, you can't measure up to many many other people, in so many many ways", you are really unique, one-of-a-kind in my eyes and in my heart. you dont have to measure up to anyone. you just have to be yourself. remember you told me not to ever lose faith in who i am, for that's what makes me different and also not try to turn myself into someone everyone else is, for if that happens, the world is a poorer place.
hello 2006.
Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the
Verities and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,
The Glory of Action,
The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes
Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!
and if i have to work on a resolution for the new year, it is to get more sleep, re-integrate order into my sleeping patterns. my current nocturnal partner, sleep deficiency makes us age faster so that's some motivation to sleep when we should be sleeping.
to those whose company i rejected, many thanks for the concern. it was a good day in solitude and i didnt fall apart at all. ")